I have demons in me.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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