Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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