we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
