are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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