I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
