I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
