recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I believe in your delicious
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
