Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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