i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
