I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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