Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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