Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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