I hate all girls vehemently.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
