And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
