I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The feeling are messing with the penis
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
