I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Every concussion has its silver lining
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
