Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
