I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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