I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
