Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
