bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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