defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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