Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
