Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
