I want to have your abortion
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
