my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
