she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
