theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
