I wish my penis had an off switch
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
