This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
