"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
