The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
