soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
