just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
