I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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