was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
