I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
