This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
