Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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