this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
