if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
