I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
