you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
