We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
