So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
