so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
