I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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