Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
