i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
