I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
