im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
