i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
