Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
