she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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