Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
