I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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