If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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