smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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