Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
